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Stay-at-home Dads, Unite!

"What bugs me most is when people seem to assume I'm something of a loser; that it was obviously my wife who made all our money."  So says a Corte Madera stay-at-home dad, who agreed to be interviewed when I promised anonymity. We spoke at the Town Park playground, where he had brought his three-year-old son to play.

The plight of stay-at-home dads has been a concern of mine ever since September, when one of the most upbeat, supportive, loving stay-at-home dads I knew unfathomably jumped off the GG bridge.

Loneliness is a dangerous thing.

Think about it.  Stay-at-home dads comprise a whole new cultural group (one of the rare examples of Marin diversity) which has no customs, no role models (other than seahorses, perhaps), and no built-in support network. In addition, men seem to be not as naturally supportive of one another as women are.

Jason (not his real name) is a mid-40s software architect who listened to his own biological clock two years ago, when he decided he wanted to spend a few precious years at home with his two young boys.  It was a luxury his family could afford, said Jason, who reports being "utterly fulfilled with my life, but not sure how happy I am."  His wife commutes daily to South San Francisco, and now makes 2 to 3 times as much money as Jason did. "My wife is totally cool about everything," he says, "but I get this vibe from other parents that they think there must be something wrong with me, to want to stay home with my kids."

At the lovely new playground in Town Park, on a mid-Monday morning, there were eighteen women, twenty or so children and two men.  The other man was taking a day off from work. The women pretty much ignored him, as Jason says is the norm. Friendships initiated between children often bring the parents at the park together.  Jason says he can get into conversations, but there's always this awkwardness that evolves.  Put yourself in the mom's place: here is this tall, dark, attractive man hanging out at the park with his son.  If the kids want a play date, that's okay, but you can't exactly ask the dad over to coffee, as women would do, or make plans to take a hike or have lunch together.  No way around it, the moments can be awkward, and the dads get left out of the fun.

"If it hadn't been for the Discovery Museum in Sausalito that first year, I would have never made it through it," said Jason.   The structured environment there made social contact easy, and he could arrange play dates and have normal adult contact without feeling awkward.

Surely it would be a good idea for stay-at-home dads to connect.

So here's a plan Jason and I worked out.  Stay-at-home Dads, bring your kids to Town Park in Corte Madera on Friday mornings (starting this Friday!) anytime between 9:30 and 11:30 a.m. Come for an open play group.  Get to know your fellow dads.  Swap e-mail addresses and phone numbers so you can plan for play dates, and for emergencies. (You never know when you might want to arrange an emergency meeting at Pete's or the Peso!)  Maybe you could get together and discuss how women parents work to actively support one another, regularly sharing exercise, meals, and are there to cover for each other readily.

Jason will meet you there (and maybe he will even tell you his real name)

Until next week,
Neighbor Pat Ravasio
Write me! pravasio@fhallen.com